There may be a hope on the horizon – a chance for there to be complete healing from all my symptoms, including seizures; the answer could be that I have Celiac Disease.  I already know that I have a Gluten Intolerance but this could put a name to everything – giving me an answer to all that didn’t make any sense before.  When all this started, I knew that God promised me healing  – how or when did not matter to me.  I trusted him, his whispering in my heart and the promises of his Word.  So, when I needed to start seeing a counselor as part of the overall diagnosed healing plan, along with all the anti-seizure and migraine medications, as much as I hated it, I did it.  And as promised, God started to heal me (but inside) – setting my heart free of sins and pains long buried.  Even though I made progress, there was still work to be done there plus all the physical health problems.  I was definitely not miraculously healed yet.  So, when I read up on Celiac and saw the symptoms, it was like a ight had clicked in my brain and I thought, this could be it!

Healing through Biblical counseling showed me that God heals of us of more than just our physical ailments and sees healing on a much larger scale than I ever imagined.  Of course, I already knew that in my mind and heart, being saved at an early age and desiring his presence in my life for most of my life (even when I ran from him).  Yet, to experience that kind of grounded, profound, light-hearted soaring of my soul while also learning how to let go of control at the same time has been quite the life lesson.  A lesson I would not have learned in this kind of capacity had it not been for my illnesses.  I drew nearer to God and learned to rely on him and his wisdom, being transformed in my heart and mind during these nearly 3 years in very real, spiritual, and life applicable ways thanks to this part of the healing process.

During these nearly 3 years, I have also learned to wait. Waiting to hear back from disability, waiting to hear about my work training program when I was trying to work while still very sick, waiting for whatever symptom I am experiencing to pass (never knowing how long it may endure), waiting for Dr. appointments, waiting to see what each day will bring, or waiting to see if this dosage of medication will work this time and if the seizures or migraines will stop.  None of these have ever been fun or peaceful.
But I have also learned what it means to wait on the Lord and to be “Be still”  (Psalm 46:10) and know that he is God.  It also goes on to say, “The Lord Almighty is with us.” (Psalm 46: 11).  That’s why I can be still – because I know that God is with me even when everything in my natural being wants to control whatever uncertain situation comes my way.  I naturally want to do everything in my power to research, get the answers and fix the problem but I can’t.  I can’t control everything. And as I have learned over the years, as hard as it is to yield that power of controlling what I can and what I wish I could, I don’t want to do it anymore.  Instead, I’d rather go to the Lord and watch him work and cry to him, trusting that he is indeed with me and has a plan greater than mine.

 
I think I am writing this to encourage anyone out there whose life feels out of control but also to remind myself of the many times I have felt like I was at the end of my line and God’s presence was always there and then he did something miraculous for me. The miracle could have been in my heart through healing, in my mind through renewing, in the natural world through very real provisions, or physically by giving me strength to do things I did not think I would be able to do.   He has become my very real and spiritual refuge, provider, healer and sustainer – just to name some.  Sometimes just the reminder of eternity with him would be enough to give me strength to work and live for him here on this Earth.  And always, in the midst of situational agitation and frustration, I have peace and joy.

 
Even now, it is Friday afternoon, my doctor’s office has closed and the disability office has closed.  I was hoping to hear something definitive from both of them by now.  I was supposed to hear from the doctor’s office by yesterday, hoping the doctor would tell me if my blood indicated if I have the markers for Celiac – it would explain so much and I could then begin the healing process which would probably take a few years but a few years is nothing!  In regards to Disability, I was hoping when I spoke to them that they would tell me more than a letter would arrive in 7 to 21 days.  What it all boils down to is to wait.  I got so frustrated, I cried for 30 minutes straight.

 
During it all, though, I talked to God time-after-time, felt comforted by the Holy Spirit, and was reminded of scripture after scripture of comfort and peace and wisdom.  When agitation hit, God was there.  When frustration came calling, I called on God.  When tears came, they weren’t useless tears.  When everything started to feel out of control, God reminded me of all the times he was in control.  I wanted the results for everything but I knew that wasn’t  how it was supposed to be.  I wanted my test results when the doctor’s office said they would be ready, but now, I have to wait until Monday; so I will wait and trust in the Lord, reading His word, trusting in his promises of comfort, peace, and wisdom.

 
Why?  Because I have to?  No.  Because I want to?  Well, yes and no.  I want to know the answers now, actually but I also want to know God more intimately.  I also know that he can provide for me in ways I can not provide for myself.  So, I guess like all Christians make that initial choice – the answer to the question of why is because I choose to.  I choose to believe in Jesus Christ.  I choose to cry out to God, instead of allowing my own thoughts to take my mind prisoner.  I choose to allow God to soothe my soul because it’s better than having a soul that is in a state of unrest.  I fully understand that this diagnosis may not be the diagnosis and that my road to recovery may still be a long road, but it’s a road I am not walking alone.   Because of that one Truth of not being alone, I chose to walk it with One who loves me and will always be there for me.  Why would anyone choose differently?